Significance

I cried today. Really cried. Most people do not see the significance of just being able to cry. I do my best to keep my composure. I do my best to keep my feelings at bay. Why? you ask? Because underneath it all, I am what some might say an emotional rollercoaster. If I would let them, my feelings would rule every decision in my life. Although, that probably wouldn't be good for anyone. 

Today started out like any other day. Get up, get ready, take the dogs out, make sure the kids are ready to get to school and head out to work. Work was unnecessarily repetitive, for which most days I am grateful.  Knowing what to expect everyday has somehow become comforting. Like a warm blanket wrapped around you on a cold autumn night. You would think that this day, like any other, would be the same. Same start, middle and end; and yet, here I am.

Do you ever hear a song and it just pulls your mind in directions you'd never think it would go? Not just invoking one thought, one feeling, or one emotion, but everything and nothing all at once, Have you ever just had that moment when your driving and out of nowhere you are somewhere else. You are mechanically driving on autopilot, but your mind is elsewhere?

Here I am, driving home... Have I ever been a significant part of society? What have I contributed? What have others gained from my existence? I am insignificant.... I have a no career job. No assets to speak of. No savings. Have I ever inspired people? Have I ever made a difference in someone's life? My answer to these questions  at that time is no. There are people on this planet that are so significant. They make changes, they inspire people, they move mountains. Have I moved mountains? No. You know what? That's okay. I'm insignificant.

 I honestly look at what I've done in the last 38 years of my life. I have two kids. They are my world. To them, I am not insignificant. I am their mother. I am their inspiration. I am their voice when they cannot speak. I am the confidence behind their fear. I am the guide, the support, I am their example. 

Each one is on their own path. A path that I cannot walk for them, but I can walk with them; and learn everyday something new. Learn to let go just a little everyday. Show these two human beings that I have created on how to be strong. Dream Big. Reach for those dreams, climb mountains and build new ones.  They inspire people around them. They push their friends to do better by pushing themselves. They have already made a difference in so many peoples lives. They are on their way to do so much more than I could ever dream of.

So here I am, finally able to cry. To let it all out. To release all the fear, anxiety and frustration. Let it all out. Of those people that know me, know that I do not cry often. I do not let these emotions out enough. I hold them in. I hide them because I am afraid the answer to my significance will be meaningless. In spite of my fear, that song hits the right note, and all of a sudden I realize. I am significant. I am meant to be here. I am meant for greatness, for inspiration; and so I let those tears well out and fall down my face. I do not wipe them away. They are a reminder that I am human. That I am loved. That I matter.

For anyone who thinks they are insignificant, don't let the world fool you. We are all inspirational. We all make a difference in someone else's life. We might not even know it. We are all...significant. 

Make Time

So here it goes, a second of many firsts ...

Topic #2 - Making Time

I'm sure you have heard the expression "make time" more than once. Whether it has been mentioned directly to you or someone else, it is something that I'm sure we all hear everyday. What does it really mean to "make time?" We all have our daily routines and responsibilities; some have work, others have family.. and some of us out of no consequence of our own have to do both.

 How do we "make time?" Do we ignore our obligations and responsibilities? Yes, plans change, life changes... and in turn, so do our responsibilities and obligations. We cannot physically make time.. as much as we long for that extra hour of the day (daylight savings time does not count). We cannot ask for a 3rd day to a very short weekend or that extra hour to just sleep in. The world keeps on spinning, life keeps moving and we have to move along with it.

 We've all been told do not put off something you can do today until tomorrow. Tomorrow is never promised, right?  Yet, the question remains. What does it take to "make time?".... In order to "make time" we actually have to go against these statements. Yes, put off that work until tomorrow and go play that your instrument that has been collecting dust on its stand. The house will not clean itself, but do put the chores on hold for a rainy day and go and spend that time outdoors you've been craving. Forget the show you are binge watching on your couch and take that long bike ride you've been meaning to take for weeks. Go for that walk. Plan that mini-vacation. Do not waste the time you do have. We cannot "make time," but we can choose how to spend the time we do have. Do not get caught up in the day to day. Make life an adventure. Make memories that are impossible to forget. In doing these things, we "make time" to live. Isn't that the point? to Live?

The Story of Winston Benjamin - A Puppy Mill Pup

Hi, my name is Winston. I am a Miniature Schnauzer pup. I love my family with all my heart....and even though I was on this earth for just a short time... I want to tell you my story.

I first saw my Mom and Dad at the puppy store (A place Mom and Dad called Furry Babies in Janesville, WI). I cannot tell you how long I had been there, but I can tell you that when I saw my new Mom and Dad for the first time, it was love at first sight. I was so excited to go to my furever home. They had searched far and wide and had picked me!...or should I say I picked them...  I was finally going home! My new big sister Miley was also very excited. On the ride home, I was introduced to friends and family over a funny little device.. and my new sister and I made plans to play all day every day furever! We were going to have such a great time, sharing toys and food, and even a kennel (Even though I have my own). I bonded to her and wanted to play all the time. We were best friends.

      

On my first day home, everything seemed to be fine. I was eating like a champ, learning about my new home and playing.. oh there was so much playing with my big sister. We would tire ourselves out... and then sleep away until we were ready to play again. Mom made sure we went outside to potty. This was something new to me. I had to learn that I should go potty outside (Miley was a big help. She taught me how to dog), but most times I just couldn't hold it in. When I had to go, I had to go. I  would often soil my kennel and the kitchen floor. Mom was concerned a bit, but knowing all this was a new transition for me, a little bit of upset would be normal. 

 

My upset bowel continued. I was still eating and playing and I seemed to still have energy but I just couldn't hold in my loose poop. It would just come exploding out. I didn't want to soil the kitchen floor or my kennel. I wanted to be good for Mom and Dad. I wanted to make them proud and make them happy. My Mom and Dad put me on a special diet of boiled chicken and rice.. it was delicious! Although, it did not help. After a few days of this not clearing up, Mom decided it was time to take me to the vet doctor. Mom said the pet-shop I came from had a contract with a strange lady vet doctor, but she wasn't open for a few days so I had to wait. The day finally came and I went with Mom to see the vet doctor.  I was scared. So very scared, but I wanted to be brave for Mom. The vet doctor weighed me ( she said I weighed a little over 5 lbs), took my poop sample and told my Mom that I had something called Giardia. Finally, my Mom  knew what was wrong with me. I could finally get better and play with my big sister again! The lady vet doctor gave my Mom some medicine for me to take. 

During the next two weeks, I took my medicine but I did not feel any better. I still could not go potty without having the runs (as Mom calls them).  My back end hurt. I was a brave pup and I continued to take the medicine Mom and Dad gave me. I was always hungry; I could eat all of my food and some of my sisters, but I was loosing weight. Little by little everything that I ate just seemed to be coming right out of me. The medication I was taking was not working. Mom and Dad were so worried. Mom called the vet doctor again and this time instead of medication the lady vet doctor decided to give me my very own special food. She called it G.I. Food and a special powder called a probiotic. The lady vet doctor said that this would help, but it did not. No matter how much I ate, I was always hungry. I could not hold in my upset bowel. It felt like I had water coming out. Mom did her best to bath me and clean up my mess. All I wanted was to make her proud, to be the pup she knew I could be, but I was just to sick.

I love my home and my family. It feels like I have been here furever. Mom says its been now a little over 4 weeks since I came home. I am so tired all the time. I want to play and run with my big sister but I can barely open my eyes. I try to tell my Mom and Dad when I have to go, but even I can't tell anymore. My body hurts. I try to eat because I am hungry. Mom and Dad gave me back my special boiled chicken and rice diet. I can barely make it to my bowl. I see Mom and Dad and how sad and worried they are. I don't want to let them know I am worried too. Dad takes me to the car and I hear Mom and Dad saying I am going to the Emergency Vet. I don't know what that is, but I hope they can help me. The vet doctor takes my blood, weighs me (they say I weigh a little over 3 pounds) and are going to run tests... I love running...but I don't have the energy anymore. I wait patiently being brave for them. I don't want them to know I am scared. I hear the vet doctor say they are going to take an X-Ray. I don't know what that is, but I hope I don't have to move. I am just so tired. They put me on a table with a big machine, and there is silence.. I almost fall asleep...then they take me back to Dad. The vet doctor says they could not see much with the X-Ray because I was too skinny and dehydrated. Dad told the vet doctor I drink water all the time. I do, I am always hungry and thirsty.They poked me with a needle and gave me something called "fluids" to at least get me hydrated. I had a big bubble on my side.. I looked kinda funny, The vet doctor also gave Dad another medication for me. I hope this helps. I don't want to feel tired anymore.

A few days pass, and I feel a little better. I have a little more energy than before, and I try to play with my sister but I still hurt. The medication seems to help a little. Mom says I still have the runs, but they look more like soft serve ice cream. Yum! I love Ice cream! For a few days I feel better, and the bump on my side full of "fluids" shrink. I get lost in a little bit hope, and I see that Mom and Dad are too. I see the painful smiles on their faces when they see me perk up my ears and try to play and run around. Like all things... this did not last. 

  

As they days went by, I started feeling tired again... I did not want to play, or go outside.. or do much of anything.I did not want to disappoint Mom and Dad. I tried to show them that I wanted to be okay, but it was hard. Very hard. My sister tried to get me to move around and play, but I just did not want to. I was loosing hope again. My upset bowl was back. I could not hold it in again, no matter how hard I tried. My body just would not accept any nutrition from food. I could feel myself getting weaker as Mom and Dad would snuggle with me. I love them... I want to be the pup they know I can be...I want to run and play with my big sister Miley. I want to explore the world...but I am getting so tired again...so very very tired. 

Mom had an idea. You see, before I came home, my sister Miley was on this food called "Ollie." Mom knew when Miley started on this food she gained a little weight and thought that maybe if I started on this I would too. This food was delicious! Much better than all the other food I had! You know what? Mom and Dad were feeding me treats too! Ollie treats! I was in Dog Heaven!  My sister Miley told me all about that. After a few days I started to feel a little better again. I could get up and walk to my bowl, I could play for a short while and when I went potty by bowl was a little more firm. But again, this did not last. After a few days I started to feel tired again. My rear end hurt and once again my stool was like water. Mom did what she could and put creams there to make me feel better. 

Mom and Dad tried everything. I even got pumpkin food! Mom told me all about Jack-O- Lanterns and Halloween. Let me tell you, I like to eat the insides of Jack-O-Lanterns. They are yummy. I felt better again for a few days, but again I started to feel tired and my stools were back to the famous runs.

I just turned 6 months a few days ago (June 7th, 2019 to be exact). I am exhausted. I have no energy. I cannot take those wonderful steps to go outside. I have trouble walking. It hurts to much. Mom and Dad have done everything to keep me comfortable. They snuggled with me. Held me tight and told me all about the world. I wanted to go Trick-or-Treating for my first Halloween. I wanted to see my first Snowfall. I wanted to have my first Christmas with my family. I longed to sit under the Christmas tree and take that once in a lifetime picture with my big sister Miley. I wanted to celebrate my first birthday and go one more time to the dog park. I will have to do these things from Heaven (You know, that wonderful place my big sister Miley told me about); because today, June 11th 2019, at 2:25pm, I crossed the rainbow bridge in my human sisters arms. 

Please do not be sad for me, I was loved from the moment I first saw my new family at the pet-shop to my last final moments of my time here on Earth. 

To my family, please remember me as I was when you first saw me. Remember all the love, all the belly rubs, playtime, snuggles, all of our walks and many adventures. I could not have asked for a better time here on Earth. Remember that I am waiting for you at the other side of that Rainbow Bridge.

Woof,

Winston Benjamin

6/25/19 **Update from the author** -- The results of Winston's Autopsy came back. Parvo and Canine Corona Virus. Please, please help put an end to puppy mills everywhere. No dog should go through such pain. 

A Lifetime a Dozen

This is a first for me.... why you ask?  I have been asking myself this question for the past two hours. I have typed out one to many idea firsts, over thought the subjects in question, scratched it all out only to try again.... Here's to one of many firsts....

 How do I start this? -- Topic #1 - The Overlook of our Lives

Having taken the time to sit down and look at a past that has many ups and downs, I often wonder what events have taken place to get me to where I am today. What moments have I subconsciously overlooked.. memories that have forged my path forward, feelings that still linger from a time on another path in my life.

Many would say "keep looking forward, don't dwell on the past." Although, it is there that I was cast, out of the storms of my past have I grown into the individual that I am today. Constantly changing with every new memory, experience, every thought...which in turn, becomes a part of my ever revolving past. 

 So I say to you, do not overlook the past and dismiss it without a second thought. It holds together the building blocks of your future. Be proud of your insecurities, your scars, your fears...  Without them, you cannot stand tall and proclaim "Here I am! I am strong; I am worthy of the future that I build for myself!"